Ramadhan blues

Ramadhan is here!

(I don’t care if it’s the last day of Ramadhan IT STILL COUNTS).

Maan, so much for the summer break. Oh summer break, what summer break. At least last semester ended pretty nicely. About campus life, let’s just say I took more than what my mouth could take :x. On the upper side which is academic life (oh you didn’t know I was academic ambitious? Pffftt, shame on ye) hoo-hoo-hoo I got such a life achievement where I totally rocked Thermodynamics of Materials (Alhamdulillah……..) and got the honour of receiving the highest score in class of 70-something. Can you believe that, because honestly I was at a point where I literally avoided the lecturer in case he mistook my score with someone else’s (now I owe him a thanks I guess).

Buut, because of I fail Physical Chemistry last year, yeah I got the D, wait THERE’S A REALLY IMPORTANT MEME I HAD TO PUT

The Office’s my jam!

ANYWAYS, well I because failed Physical Chemistry, (which doesn’t make any sense because it’s basically the same thing as thermo-_-) I had to take the short semester which actually I had to be thankful because the lecturer’s waaaaaay better than the previous one. And, to make holiday even shorter, we’re caught in drafting (and executing) osjur but I might want to stop telling you just right there, HA HA. :p

So basically I got a 14 days LONG of holiday and luckily well I did get to meet him once, though I was pretty upset because this is probably as much as I’m going to meet him til God knows when and we didn’t even had the chance to romance (HAHAHAHA I KNOW I KNOW). Well that and also because I got distracted when I was being offered Mie Aceh in the middle of the day, I mean I love you and all but come on, it’s free food (pffffffttt). I do appreciate his effort to talk to me first, something that I’m somehow too embarrassed to do (oooo tsundere detected).

Making the most off of staying at home period to cook and clean the house because my former embak got knocked up by her (now husband) boyfriend. Well that’s another story, because she’s always been such a little sister to me (did you hear THAT? SHE’S 18 FOR GOD’S SAKE). Now I realised, sex ed is highly needed for women at whatever age, so they know what are their action (or their boyfriend’s) doing to their body. This topic has been in my mind a lot quite recently, partly influenced by my favourite women writer, Nawal el Saadawi.  I’ve always wanted to read her books since high school, and now I somehow find myself with two copies of them thanks to someone. (Yeah, I know I suck at delivering thank you’s, sorry). Those are:

 

Happiness:) more writing on that later, okay!

But thanks to not having my embak around (how is it thanks again?) Bunda decided to take 3 days off in advance and just takes care of the house and she taught me how to cook and stuffs and I was still amazed by the fact that even though she’s working (and she works hard, believe me), she is still a kick ass mom. I’m not even sure if I can pull that one off. Well that just give career-women more respect!

Aside from those (those being other housewifey stuffs), I finally found the time to take SoundCloud more seriously, check out some of the sounds that I make!

Well back to the present, today’s still counts as Ramadhan. I didn’t achieve much, sadly, but at least this year’s improvement was that my tarawih prayers attendance in mosque is better than last year’s HAHA, so there’s that….

There’s not much that I can say though, maybe there’s regret that I didn’t make the most out of the holy month, or because my mind is not free enough due to the tons of responsibility waiting for me prematurely before next semester starts. But still, tomorrow’s gotta be a special day to spend with your family (soon to be family LOL), and loved ones.

So take down your gadgets for a day, and spend some quality time with your family, nerds!

Taqabbalallaahu minna wa minkum, taqabbal Yaa Kariiiim. Happy Iedl Fitr to all people reading this, no matter who you are, everybody deserves to be happy on Eid Day! 😀

 

Ayah

I’m sorry I’ve been a kid all my life. I’m sorry I’ve never listen to you. I’m sorry if I have ever have a slight of wrong thoughts of you, you know you’ve done a lot of cool things; you’re my hero. I’m sorry if I ever speak back to you. I’m sorry I made you worried all the time. I’m sorry I’ve been selfish all this time. I’m sorry if I only ask and ask and ask when all you do is give and give and give. I’m sorry if I want everything at my will when you’re just gonna do anything to keep me safe. I’m sorry I almost make you cried, when I told you I thought you’re not proud of me; yes Ayah, I saw those tears and how you managed not to cry in front of me.

You should’ve just sent our driver to pick me up in the midnight, Ayah. It should be just him who waited 2 hours unable to sleep in the heat of the car. But you know how unreliable he is, and you just couldn’t hand over your daughter’s safety to such loser.

You did that even when you have to get up really early after hours of cleaning and preparing the house for the gathering event the next morning. You should know, or you already know, that you’re not that young anymore, Ayah.

All because your daughter is sick of life and just want to be home that instant. Which honestly, made her even sicker and disappointed at life at any cost.

The world is a dark place and I need His light.

Just, of all the terrible things, please don’t let my dad taste a single thing of pain or anything bad that comes with life. I will sue the shit out of you, universe.

Please give all the protection you have, Rabb.

Karena dia ayahku.

To the most favourite person in my life

This should be one of my messy posts because I did it in my tablet. Well it’s new year so I suppose I should say “happy new  year” but the thing is, it’s  not really a happy one. Even though it started with the greatest  gift god  could ever give to me. He did answered my prayers of all these years. All I want is a hug from my big brother. All I want is a someone who will make you believe everything is going  to work out in the greatest end.

So the past week my family had been travelling across java by car, going visiting families and all. And as always, overtime we go to daddys hometown I know I will go visit mas afif’s grave, no matter what. But this time, we didn’t stay long enough at the village and it was raining hard yesterday but still I insisted to go anyway but dad said it’s not the end of the world if we don’t go is it?

I have to agree with him because, it’s the prayers that really counts. You know he believes that in Islam it’s not really encouraged to make a big deal out of ziarah and tahlilan because he’s afraid people are just forgetting what it really means and starting to get superstitious about it. And I didn’t dare to go against my dad and be such a girl about it, so just kinda go along with him.

I thought of my dearest brother all the way home.

And there it was, the new years eve. I went to bed early, and by early I mean the first quarter of hour by the first day of 2013. There before bed, I prayed to god, to make this year a good one and to help me go through it to make my parents proud and in honor of my brother. Anshouldd I asked god, through the following days, please, please, please let my brother appeared in my dreams from time to time. The same prayer I’ve asked god for countless days.

So I fell asleep and it was dark. It seemed like I just got out of a movie or something. And He came. He was walking and when he saw me, he stopped. And I was speechless for some time I just hugged him so tight. I said, “I miss you, asshole. Why did you have to go?”
He didn’t answer.

Just a simple “there there,” and hugged me back. We hugged for so long that I still feel it.

That’s all I can recall. It was sure a short dream but it made huge impact for this baby sister who just won’t let him go. I cried and I cried even knowing its not mentally and faithfully healthy. Now you know why this new year isn’t a happy one, because my dearest brother is not here. Some part of me told myself to stop and the others just won’t let go. I’m not mad at god or anything. I just wish he left something to say goodbye. Some part of me is also angry at myself, for not being the good sister I should’ve been.

How can someone’s death affects you this much? I’ve seen my friends who lost their mother or father and they seem to live life like nothing happened and just carry on. Now I realize there is always more to it than meets the eyes. Who says that they don’t cry in silence under their blanket? Who says they don’t cry in their prayers? Who says they don’t remember their loved ones in everything that’s related to them?

I remember that time during the last year of middle school. I suddenly missed him so much, that I didn’t feel like going to school. At class, there were the boys, fooling around with me not knowing my state, and I just couldn’t take it that time and burst in tears. They got a bit shocked, obviously, since that was so not me, and said the sweetest apology. And everyone in my class just came closer around me and the girls hugged me. Lisa, Mima, Audrey, and Adani (yea you should probably know there were just 5 girls in my class of 14)

That was just one of the stories of him. And many of the others were good ones.
He is the best lesson life had taught me.

Well I actually feel better now. Still knowing that I will still miss him from time to time and might probably break down and cry again in the future, but I’ll get up.
I’ll get back.
And I’ll be fine.
Because this chick isn’t just an ordinary sister. She is the forever your little twat.

P.S. So I guess now I can finally say, happy new year the good people of internet! May god always be with you.

Happy Cakeday Happy People!

Well my search is over!

Even forever alone is cheering for me!

I’m in an extremely good mood (Pfffft coming from the girl whose last post was galav) Here’s the thing … For weeks I’ve been searching for a cardigan, and simply the right cardigan. But none has really satisfy my silly taste one too short, too long, too holey, too tight, too gay, too Granma-ish and stuffs. They might sound retarded but  just with the right tone, it’s definitely not.

And today I (finally) FOUND IT! Thank you mom for your eyes on this teehee. Loving the color indigo and now can’t wait to wear it to school. (Duhh *rolling eyes*) Well of course! It’s because my class’ aircon is sometimes a bitch. One moment the fan is toooo strong and a moment later she (Oh its a “she” now… *nods*) practically put a troll face and gives us a bloody free sauna, but even when it’s cold, it’s just too hot to wear a jacket!!!! 😦 (First world problems) SO that is why this girl this stoked for just getting a new cardigan. 😀

Anyways these 2 days are the birthdays of the 2 people I love, G andd PDL! Wuwuwuwu happy birthday! Be sure to blow the candles right!  

That’s a cake for each one of you, teeheehee

Soooo like anyways, to G: Happy birthdayy dufus! Here’s to another year being my adorkable brother. And PDL: I wish you’ll find the true meaning of soul mate. LOL JOOOOOOKE I wish you a life full of cheers and laughter and may you won’t ever get enough of me :p. Oh and also, will you kindly and humbly please grow shorter for like an inch so that we’d be the exact same height, thanks.

Here’s to birthdays and blowing candles! Gee time sure does flies  I’m also turning 17 soon, and I probably still look like an 8th grader and remain petite (coughcoughSHORTcough). And speaking of birthdays, here’s a hint of my birthday present, any books of the Gossip Girl series will work. Except the first book: Gossip Girl, All I want is everything, aaand Nobody does it better. (DUH As if anyone would give me one)

So that’s that. Remind me again to go watch some movies, having D sleeping over at my crib, and eat less before I get down to my studying mode. (Back in middle school I would say “HA! NERDS!” But now … *sobs*) And I hope everyone enjoy their UAS holidays!

Later skater!

P.S. I got G a birthday present of our photo together in which is dominated by me,  NATURALLY 😉

Respect!

I respect people with different perspective. A monochrome world is boring. Therefore I’m open to suggestion and what may you think about me.

Take my 7 yo cousin Rayyaan, he sent me a mail all the way from Singapore and it only got his drawing from school. From his eyes I’m close to something like this:

See?  Show some respect!

Hihihi this one’s a keep though, thankuuu baby Rayyaan! 🙂

XOXO.

My Bigcuzzin

‘Unknown Brother’ by The Black Keys

Your eyes shined bright when you were a kid,
your sisters loved you and all that you did

Big brother, big brother, don’t worry a bit
Your flame has not faded, since the day it was lit

Your life was joy, your mama’s only boy
And when the skies are blue, big brother, they’re blue for you

We’ll smile like pictures of you as a boy
Long before you retired, to heavenly joy

 

Words really cannot describe how I feel when I’m missing my bigcuzzin. His name is Agus Sowwam Djatmiko, a brilliant name that my granpa gave him. He’s like 14 years older than me and had been living in my house since I was in the 3rd grade.

He meant the world for me, he looked after me, protected me, I remember his reaction when I got my first period he’s so clumsy and funny! He took me to school everyday, he’s my science teacher, my movie buddy. More importantly, he listens to me. He’s everything I could ever ask for a big brother. He’s a lucky guy, he got the prettiest woman that he met in the train station.

Until 2 years ago, the doctors told him he got kidney failure. I can see how much pain he had been through. I’ve seen him hold his pain and cried and the sight just kills me. His wife was so kind, and she never left him. She cares a lot about him, and she never complains. Seeing those two lovebirds, I’m glad my bigcuzzin had discover what love is.

And a year after that, he passed away. I thought at first, god had just grabbed my world offof me, but then I realize he’s just being taken to a better place nothing in the universe can match. I know God looks after my bigcuzzin, and in my prayers I always ask God to let him appear in my dream so he won’t be completely gone and so that I can see him from time to time. I miss him so much.

Bottom right, lovable as ever.

 

—to my bigcuzzin, up there.